NPR picked up a story about an 8-year-old kid who drove his sister to McDonald’s in the family car while their parents were in bed. The kid said he learned how to drive by watching videos on YouTube. This got me thinking of all the things I could learn… The future is here, and baby, it’ll blow your mind!
First, I looked up how to mix drinks and became a bartender.
Bartenders make bank. On top of that, those dudes get laid all the damn time. So, how can I go from ordering at the bar like some idiot, to shagging drinks behind it like Tom Cruise and that Australian guy from the movie ‘Cocktail?’
Surely, I’d need to go to some overpriced bartending school, right? Wrong. With the click of a mouse you can be homeschooled by Professor YouTube. So, why pay the teacher cow when you can get the teacher milk — or whatever — for free?
***Oh, and this one should probably be for people 21 or older… unless, you’re cool. ‘Cuz then, yeah. Mix it up, little brother! JK?
Then I learned to fix my car and became a real man.
One of the most emasculating things that we have to endure is the stiff f*cking we get from mechanics when we go to them with ailing vehicles in our hour of need. They take advantage of you in a way you are aware of, but can’t do anything about, and they know it.
After that, I saw a way to cut out the middleman by cutting my own hair.
Why go to some jerk to get A hair cut if I can just study a YouTube video and cut ALL of them myself? Oh, dad jokes… Anyway, this took some practice, but it’s been a game changer.
Oh, and just in case, videos exist that can teach you how to wear hats if you mess up… or if you just don’t know how to wear hats. Spoiler Alert: On your dumb head. What is wrong with people?
Also, I learned how to meet women… and close the deal!
“A: Always. B: Be. C: Closing.” Thanks to the helpful advice, I met a woman and closed the deal like a Cadillac El Dorado was on the line!
So, now that I’m in love, how do I pop the question?
It costs too much to have a pilot write it in the sky with chemtrails, and I can’t just ask her at a sports event because if she says “no,” everyone will see me cry on the Titantron again. I want to propose to her, but there’s so many ways it can go wrong. If only I could enlist the help of some army special forces lunatic to teach me the different kinds of cuts there are for some reason — wait, I don’t need to! YouTube’s got me covered!
Getting engaged sounds easy! Thanks, internet!
Oh, no! She got really freaked out. And I’ve already built my whole world around her… So, how do I keep her from ever leaving me…
Phew! Problem solved! Thanks, YouTube. Shoutout to Coco Cola for the assist! What could possibly go wrong?
Well, she figured it out and left with my heart, but maybe she’d come back if only YouTube could show HER how to love…
First, I have to make a new Facebook account… because she blocked my old one (probably by mistake), then I’m gonna send this video to her. I didn’t even watch it, but it looks like it’ll do the trick. If YouTube can teach an 8-year-old to drive a car, it can teach anybody anything! But don’t take my word for it, educate yourself!