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What If Your Girlfriend’s Bedroom Habits Are Slowly Killing You?

“Let’s move in together…” she said, “it’ll be fun!” she said… But, it’s not. Since she moved in, you’ve been up all night, every night — and not for any of the good reasons, like sex or because it’s Christmas eve. The National Sleep Foundation says you need around 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. She’s killing you slowly with sleep deprivation torture.

You’re trying to sleep, but your girl’s checking her phone with the brightness set to “The Ark of the Covenant“…

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark / Lucasfilm

We all know that staring at your smartphone before bed makes it harder to sleep. Something about over-stimulating your brain or frying your eyeballs with LED lights just sounds like a bad idea. Well, guess what? Your girlfriend doesn’t care because she’s taking selfies with every Snapchat filter, and she’s not gonna stop until your whole face melts.

And she’s always shaking her feet because she drinks too much coffee…

Kill Bill / Miramax

Your not Fred Flintstone, but you can make a bed rock! Am I right, bros? Sorry. I thought we could use a laugh. Why start now?! When she moved in, you expected serious seismic activity to occur in the place where the magic happens. Instead, the only thing shaking your bed frame is her restless leg syndrome. It feels like sitting on a dryer set to “permanent press.” If you wanted the “magic fingers” of a vibrating motel bed, you’d skip the nausea and just fall asleep on a chair in Brookstone.

Which explains why she gets up so often for the bathroom in the middle of the night…

The Fly / Fox Digital HD

Whenever she gets up, she makes a fuss and throws the blankets all over the place. If she’s gotta be awake, you gotta too. It’s like Shawshank Prison around here, I’m telling ya!

Some nights, she just won’t stop talking…

Reba / TV Land

She’s beside herself and just can’t figure out why her favorite contestant on ‘The Voice‘ joined Team Chuck Mangione instead of Team Yanni, and you know what? It’s a mystery to everybody else, too. Go to sleep!

Like, in her sleep, too…

Scream Queens / FOX

She’s either dream-admitting that she has FOMO or nightmare-singing that Aerosmith song from the movie ‘Armageddon.‘ Either way, I heard it’s not good to wake someone who’s quietly sleep-talking because they could wake up and talk even louder.

Oh, and farts, too…

Sex And The City / HBO

She farts. Your girlfriend farts. It’s a fact of life. Luckily, she only does it while she’s sleeping, because with great power comes great responsibility. If you had her… um, tone, you’d go to to zoo and scare all the animals. Seriously, a Motown R&B group just called and they want your girlfriend’s butt to be their new bassy baritone guy. Should I tell them “no” or “bum-bum, bum, yeahhhhhh?”

When she’s not using her body to make noise, she’s taking up the whole bed…

Titanic / Paramount Pictures 

In ‘Titanic,’ Rose gave Jack more room on that floating door than your girl gives you on your own bed. SPOILER ALERT: Jack dies. Don’t think that can’t happen to you.

Or hogging all the blankets…

The Tom and Jerry Show / Cartoon Network

After a long night of clinging to your comforter and losing the tug of war, you wake up with callused hands and you’re freezing to death. Look over at her, she’s swaddled hard like a burrito. She’s killing you slow. Pneumonia slow.

When her alarm goes off in the morning, she just keeps on hitting that snooze button…

The Princess and the Frog / Disney 

He body just attacks the alarm like Goro playing speed chess. That was a loaded simile, I’ll admit it. She’s unfazed, while you got a migraine and your pillows are empty because you ripped them open to get the feather, so you can jam them in your ears. You haven’t slept at all.

But when she finally does wake up, she’s  already looking flawless af…

Mad Men / AMC

Did you even notice that she wore such a beautiful dress to bed? She’s your girl. Ask questions, man. Find out why she’s decked out for a fancy party. What, is she dreaming of going to a Quinceañera again? See? That’s the whole thing. Maybe if you took more of an interest in what she’s doing, maybe she wouldn’t be trying to kill you so hard. This has been a real come to Jesus moment, but it’s showed us that you’re neglectful in your relationship. She’s a goddess. Worship her.

Meanwhile, this is me:

Tommy Boy / Paramount Pictures

Sleeping is the only thing that I’m good at. Without it, I’m just a dude yawning all day for no reason. Oh, and I get cranky. You wouldn’t like me when I’m cranky.

[H/T] The National Sleep Foundation: HOW MUCH SLEEP DO WE REALLY NEED?

READ: Here’s A List Of Things That Take Away Your Manhood

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