Seriously, Here’s Why You Should Stop Rubbing One Out Right Now!

credit: John Leguizamo: "Freak" / HBO and Silence Of The Lambs / MGM

Get ahold of yourself and quit the funny stuff! You probably think it’s okay to play a little five-on-one with yourself every now and again, but it ain’t! Empty hands is the Devil’s workshop — except for when them hands is filled with your goddamn junk and whatnot. Hurry, Abuela’s gonna come barging in any minute…

You will go blind…

Robin Hood: Men In Tights / 20th Century Fox

Unless I’ve been doing it wrong, this is most likely a thing that catches up with you over time. Why else would old wives have tales about it? Better to play it safe by not playing with yourself just in case.

And your palms will get hairy…

X-Men: The Animated Series / Marvel

This one just makes sense. You don’t wanna be one of those dudes that has to wash their hands with shampoo.

Plus, you’ll most certainly go to Hell…

Check It Out! With Dr. Steve Brule / Adult Swim

Cut it out! You’re making baby Jesus cry, bro. Abuela warned you this would happen! THE FIRE! THE FIRE! SHE WARNED YOU ABOUT THE FIRE! REPENT!

Although… I get it. It feels good AF…

Assassins / Silver Pictures

When you masturbate, your brain releases pain-relieving endorphins as well as oxytocin, the love hormone, to make you relax.

And studies show that letting off some steam can literally save your ass.

Commando / 20th Century Fox

If not for you, do it for your prostate. ICYMI, a study that found men who ejaculated frequently (at least 21 times a month) actually cut their risk of prostate cancer by as much as 19% versus dudes who didn’t have the time on their hands.

I heard the occasional palm strike can even prevent the loss of muscle tone in your ‘wax on, wax off.’

Street Fighter II: Champion Edition / Capcom

Take preventative measures against erectile disfunction and incontinence just by giving your pelvic floor a wax every now and then.

Also, it’s not a bad way to make some extra skrilla…

Fat Joe / Youtube

My grandfather always said, “If you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.” He meant that I should get serious about masturbating so I can go pro, right?

And it helps when you can’t sleep.

Happy Gilmore / Universal Pictures

In the video above, Ben Stiller is playing the role of Masturbation. Thanks, Masturbation! It seems the kind of massage that you give yourself actually lowers the blood pressure and sets your brain on a one-way track to sleepy town.

Besides, nobody knows how to take care of YOU more than YOU.

Star Trek / CBS

Self-love is the best love.

If you’ve made it through this article, give yourself a hand!

Spider-Man / Marvel

Hand. Get it? This whole thing was about masturbating! We’re all adults. Now, go take yourself on a hand vacation.

READ: If You’re On The Fence About Working Out Your Forearms You Might Find This Helpful

If you you got a friend or roommate who takes suspiciously long showers Don’t forget to click the share button below!