You and your girl are supposed to go out to a party, but it’s been hours and she’s still isn’t ready. You were good to go in fifteen minutes, so why is she taking forever? This classic complaint has fractured gender relations since the dawn of time and continues to drive a wedge between men and women all over the world.
It takes your girlfriend forever to get ready to go out.
Even if it doesn’t look like it, she puts on a ton of makeup – or maybe she just takes a long time to put on a little – either way, how many coats of paint does one house really need? I hate to compare women to houses, but you get the point, right? I feel like I’m always just trying to hurry my girlfriend up, like “You look great. Now, finish putting on your war paint and let’s get outta here!”
Obama had two terms before she got done in the bathroom.
Former POTUS Barack Obama aged into the distinguished gentleman pictured in the ID photo of his AARP card during the two terms he served while your girlfriend put on mascara. That’s eight years that neither of you are getting back, but at least Barry got to lead the free world a little bit. All you did was wait outside the bathroom door whining, “C’mon, babe…” like a dummy.
Here’s the scoop: She’s doing a lot more than just putting on her face…
She’s at least tweezing out that mustache, curling some lashes, and painting a set of eyebrows over the one she was born with. If you walked in on her right now, it’d look like she broke up a fight between a hardware store and a bakery; just powder and power tools scattered all over the damn where. I’ve been in there. It’s a nightmare.
She’s gotta shave…
You know she’s beautiful, but do you have any idea how much is involved in staying that way? Femininity is a round-the-clock job that should come with a team of caretakers to preserve and maintain the house of cards she’s built over over her upper lip. If she were to ever let the upkeep fall behind for even a week, she’d have the “dirt lip” mustache of a 13-year-old boy.
Everything. Completely bald. Like, no hair anywhere. Seriously.
Can you imagine how late you’d be for everything if you had to shave your whole body every day before you could leave the house? You’ve cried because you had razor burn or got itchy stubble on your neck. Imagine the full-body brushfire probably covering every hidden inch of your poor girlfriend. It’s time to admit that women are tougher, or at least that they have the sh*ttier end of the stick. On top of the fact that they have all the babies, they really raise the level of difficulty by becoming completely hairless. What a life?
And if she doesn’t, she’s not going out.
If a few stray hairs survive the shearing, she’s running for the razors with a vengeance. If she notices a little patch behind her kneecap, or a five ‘o’ clock shadow starting to come in, she’s shutting the whole damn night down. She won’t even be able to recognize herself in the mirror, because all she’ll see is a furious Wookie staring back at her, yelling something about Nair at her. The female psyche is a complicated trap that entangles their self-esteem so hard that even the Elephant Man can get to first base on the right day.
So, be cool and let her do her thing, dude.
She’s an artist in there, like Picasso or a Rembrandt, but without the professional technique or any of the acclaim. She needs her full concentration, and you want her to have it, or your whole night could be over before it starts. Would you rush a surgeon that’s in the middle of a double-bypass brain surgery just because you want to go to the movies? Relax and wait. If she finishes sometime soon, you’ll still be able to catch the midnight showing of the new Tyler Perry joint before it gets spoiled all over social media.
And even though it only took you a few minutes to get ready, give her a break.
For dudes, it’s easy: Get some Axe body spray to chop the stink off your grossest parts, and then throw on an outfit you’ve already worn less than twice between washes. Let’s face it; you get “ready” by running your head under the sink — like a drifter “freshening up” in a truck-stop men’s room.
Just try to find something constructive to do while you’re waiting…
If you were thinking of writing the next great American novel, now’s a good time to start. You’re gonna be sitting around for a long time. I mean, not long enough to go out alone and come back, but long enough to at least start ‘the Godfather‘ trilogy. Use this time for some much needed quiet reflection. Think hard about how much it means to you that she’s in there painting her face up like a Road Warrior for you.
Because when she’s finally ready, it’ll be worth it:
She’s hotter than you deserve. Don’t believe me? Pay attention to how many dudes check her out tonight. Thanks to hours of cosmetic manipulation, good genetics, and pounds of spackle, she’s looking #flawless. This is good, though. You’ve been meaning to get back in the gym for a while, and how good she looks will motivate you to take better care of yourself, so this is healthy.