Every comic book fan has heard that great power comes with great responsibility, but what if it doesn’t? Not everybody that gets bit by a radioactive spider is gonna wanna use their powers for good. Here’s what happens when good powers go bad.
Christina Henderson / mitu
Go ahead and try to come up with one benefit of being invisible that doesn’t make you at least a high-level creeper. We’ll wait… *forever goes by* Look, the only reason anybody would want to be invisible is so they can do something sneaky.
2) Super Strength.
STRONG GUY: “I’m super strong.”
ME: “Are you bullet proof?”
STRONG GUY: “No. But, I’m really strong.”
ME: “Okay, then… wanna help me move?”
Wings do not a bird-man make. WIRED reported on the impracticalities of the cumbersome wingspan and strength required for flight at great scientific length. Also, you’d need a full-body feather suit to insulate your body or you won’t survive the steep temperatures of the air up there.
4) The Ability To Communicate With Fish.
This makes sense if you want to work at Sea World — but if that’s the case, a better superpower for you would be compassion. You know how badly they treat the fish there. What are you, a monster?! All fish probably ever say is “stop tapping on the glass, a-hole!”
5) Hear Other People’s Thoughts.
If you’re creepy enough to wanna know what everybody else is thinking, you can probably guess already that everyone thinks you stink. No one likes a nosey Nate, and there’s nothing heroic about eavesdropping, so mind your own bee’s wax, dude.
At best, changing your appearance to look like someone else isn’t a very honest thing to do. At worst, maybe you have body issues. Anyway, what’s wrong with being yourself? I’m sure you’re a fine somebody. The only thing you need to change is your self-esteem, little brother.
If you paid attention during the graduation speech at your online college, you’d know that Ralph Waldo Emerson said “life’s a journey, not a destination.” There’s no scenic route when you teleport, so you’ll shave time off the ETA, but you’ll miss the beautiful adventure of living.
8) Super Speed.
You run fast, but have you ever asked yourself why? I mean, what are you running from, really? Is it your father or the feelings of inadequacy you feel from every kind of relationship? This is technically a superpower, but it’s also a super cry for help.
9) Green Lantern’s Power Ring.
A jewelry-based superpower? What are you, a Kardashian?
10) Breathing underwater.
It’s a great party trick, but unless you’re going for the Guinness World Record, it’s pretty pointless. Dry land might not be a myth, but the idea that breathing underwater is a superpower is. Unless you can talk to fish, this one has no upside.
11) Being able to turn into an animal.
Turning into an animal only makes sense if say… I dunno… you wanna hook up with one. What are we even talking about?
In the end, it’s not the superpowers that make you a superhero, it’s the way you use them.
El Chapulin Colorado was a Superman parody that was more agile than a turtle, stronger than a mouse, and nobler than lettuce. He wasn’t super, but he was definitely a hero.