Want Superpowers? Here’s What You Should Think About Before Saying Yes

credit: Christina Henderson / mitu

Every comic book fan has heard that great power comes with great responsibility, but what if it doesn’t? Not everybody that gets bit by a radioactive spider is gonna wanna use their powers for good. Here’s what happens when good powers go bad.

1) Invisibility.

Christina Henderson / mitu

Go ahead and try to come up with one benefit of being invisible that doesn’t make you at least a high-level creeper. We’ll wait… *forever goes by* Look, the only reason anybody would want to be invisible is so they can do something sneaky.

2) Super Strength.

Happy Gilmore / Universal Pictures

STRONG GUY: “I’m super strong.”

ME: “Are you bullet proof?”

STRONG GUY: “No. But, I’m really strong.”

ME: “Okay, then… wanna help me move?”

3) Flight.

Rick and Morty / Adult Swim

Wings do not a bird-man make. WIRED reported on the impracticalities of the cumbersome wingspan and strength required for flight at great scientific length. Also, you’d need a full-body feather suit to insulate your body or you won’t survive the steep temperatures of the air up there.

4) The Ability To Communicate With Fish.

Finding Nemo / Disney

This makes sense if you want to work at Sea World — but if that’s the case, a better superpower for you would be compassion. You know how badly they treat the fish there. What are you, a monster?! All fish probably ever say is “stop tapping on the glass, a-hole!”

5) Hear Other People’s Thoughts.

TFC.info

If you’re creepy enough to wanna know what everybody else is thinking, you can probably guess already that everyone thinks you stink. No one likes a nosey Nate, and there’s nothing heroic about eavesdropping, so mind your own bee’s wax, dude.

6) Shape-shift.

michaeljacksonVEVO / YouTube

At best, changing your appearance to look like someone else isn’t a very honest thing to do. At worst, maybe you have body issues. Anyway, what’s wrong with being yourself? I’m sure you’re a fine somebody. The only thing you need to change is your self-esteem, little brother.

7) Teleportation.

Lost In The West / Nickelodeon

If you paid attention during the graduation speech at your online college, you’d know that Ralph Waldo Emerson said “life’s a journey, not a destination.” There’s no scenic route when you teleport, so you’ll shave time off the ETA, but you’ll miss the beautiful adventure of living.

8) Super Speed.

EXTRA / Warner Bros.

You run fast, but have you ever asked yourself why? I mean, what are you running from, really? Is it your father or the feelings of inadequacy you feel from every kind of relationship? This is technically a superpower, but it’s also a super cry for help.

9) Green Lantern’s Power Ring.

Green Lantern: The Animated Series / Warner Bros.

A jewelry-based superpower? What are you, a Kardashian?

10) Breathing underwater.

GIPHY

It’s a great party trick, but unless you’re going for the Guinness World Record, it’s pretty pointless. Dry land might not be a myth, but the idea that breathing underwater is a superpower is. Unless you can talk to fish, this one has no upside.

11) Being able to turn into an animal.

Die Antwoord / YouTube

Turning into an animal only makes sense if say… I dunno… you wanna hook up with one. What are we even talking about?

In the end, it’s not the superpowers that make you a superhero, it’s the way you use them.

GF LUZ / YouTube

El Chapulin Colorado was a Superman parody that was more agile than a turtle, stronger than a mouse, and nobler than lettuce. He wasn’t super, but he was definitely a hero.

 

READ: Here’s A List Of Things That Take Away Your Manhood

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