Here’s A List Of Things That Take Away Your Manhood

credit: julochka / Flickr / To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar / Universal Pictures

In these trying times, it’s hard just to get through a full day without experiencing some form of shame. You identify as male, but opportunities arise where you have to prove it by doing what “men” are supposed to be able to do. Tío built a house with his hands… While the birdhouse you made for mamá’s birthday collapsed and crushed one of the squirrels it attracted.

Here are a few things that probably esmasculate you from time to time…

1) Buying a car can devastate you…

Chico and the Man / Warner Bros.

If you don’t know anything about purchasing a motor vehicle, going to a dealership can feel like walking down a dark alleyway in pretty makeup and a short skirt. You’re almost asking for trouble. On the flipside, your dad brags about how he started driving a Caprice at six years old.

2) And if it breaks down, that’s even worse…

Smackdown / WWE

Fixing cars is such a manly thing to do that when yours breaks down and you can’t fix it yourself, it’s like having another man take your girlfriend on a date. You become a cuckold as some dude gets all up in your lady’s undercarriage. And have you seen a mechanic’s hands? They’re filthy. No way she’s gonna be the same when you get her back.

3) When something breaks around the house and you can’t fix it…

The George Lopez Show / Warner Bros.

A man is supposed to be the master of his domain. But, if you think a Phillips head is part of your tío’s anatomy, you ain’t the master of sh*t! (Spoiler: Phillips head is a kind of screwdriver)

4) Going to the doctor…

Louie / FX

At a certain age, you have more in common with your car than you’d think — in the sense that you both need to have your oil checked… Or maybe it’s your bowling ball that you’ll relate to more — either way, there’s a lot more poking and prodding than there used to be and I swear one time that I heard my doctor tell another doctor to smell his finger after.

5) Or the gym…

The Simpsons / Fox

How are you supposed to know how to use every piece of workout equipment? You’re not a terminator robot, programmed to just know what makes a Schwarzenegger-body. Trying to bench your bodyweight next to a guy that is benching both of your bodyweights can leave you feeling like you’re better off working out at home or not at all.

6) Telling people you have food allergies…

Tommy Boy / Paramount Pictures

Nothing brings a party to a halt like your whiny fear of dying. It’s not your fault that you’re allergic to peanuts. Maybe you have a gluten thing or a dairy issue… either way, “normal” people think you’re annoying when you break down your feeding rules to the server and they’re more complicated than the instructions for taking care of a mogwai because a “real man” is supposed to stuff his face with anything he can lay eyes on.

7) Getting your computer fixed…

Ted 2 / Universal Pictures

Your hard drive crashed, so you need a pro to get it up and running. You know they can see your search history, right? You’re a freak! And now these nerds know it! It’s almost better if your computer can’t be saved. Better to let it die than for you to live in fear as the “genius” squads and “geek” bars silently judge you while they covet your secrets.

8) Cooking dinner for your girlfriend…

The Santa Clause / Walt Disney Pictures

You’re a toddler with a knife. Equal parts terrifying and terrified. You don’t trust yourself to not accidentally poison her, but if you mess up this one thing, she’ll know you’re useless. You don’t need help because you’ve got the recipe Abuela gave you! Wait, it’s written in shorthand… What the hell is “two fingers – agua?!”

9) Drinking…

Supernatural / CW

You don’t hold your alcohol all that well, so what? Your face can’t even act like a man’s face after you’ve taken a shot. Your social life is a series of embarrassing spit-takes and wine cooler hangovers. Your bar receipts read like fairy tales featuring the boy prince of hard ciders. How does Chente do it?!

It’s an emasculating world, but that’s changing every day…

Little Giants / Warner Bros.

First, they stopped serving peanuts on airplanes. Thanks, allergies! Now, there are self-driving cars. Soon, there’ll be self-fixing cars! If I were you, I’d invest in some prescription sunglasses for those sensitive eyes, because the future is almost upon us and it’s looking bright as hell.

 

READ: 7 Ways Your Big Brother Ruined Your Life And Made You Into The Man You Are Today

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