In these controversial times, children are growing up fast, but not as fast as you did. When you were young, you skipped right past being a kid and went straight to being a teenager — but also a mutant… as well as a ninja… and a turtle at the same time. Your childhood was a confusing period of self-realization.
1) You fought with your primos over who could be which Ninja Turtle.
Nobody fought over Donatello. Ever. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.
2) Pizza was then and is now still the highest rated meal on the food chart in your heart.
Paige Turco / Youtube / Giphy/ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze / Warner Bros.
3) You’ve been saying, “cowabunga” for too long.
That cute girl at work gave you her phone number. Cowabunga! You’re getting money back after taxes instead of owing. Cowabunga! You’re living in an old folks home, but your grandkids are due to visit any day now. Cowabunga, all day!
4) You give Vanilla Ice a pass as a rapper because he rolled with the Turtles.
If you trace your dislike for Vanilla Ice, the guy, you’ll find that it has more to do with your own jealousy than anything else — unless you’re Freddie Mercury (RIP) or David Bowie (RIP), it’s high time you got passed the “itty bitty ting” controversy.
Dude LEGIT hung out with the fearsome foursome!
5) You don’t consider the Turtles to be naked because they wear headbands, belts, and weapons.
A more discriminating fashionisto might suggest the official turtle dress code is basically something like “Thunderdome-era bondage meets color-coordinated Hamburglar,” with the first initial of your name on the belt buckle to tie it all together.
6) Dimension X informed your entire understanding of string theory and theoretical physics.
If you’re a good guy turtle in this dimension, surely there must be a bad guy turtle version of you in another dimension. Science, it’s not just for nerds! Turtle power!
7) You made your own ninja weapons out of sticks.
A broken branch was the main ingredient used to create DIY staffs, swords, sais, and with the help of your shoelaces, even nunchucks! Not as deadly as Abuela’s chancla-chucks, but at least they don’t smell like feet.
8) You know the best skateboarding can be found in the sewer.
I bet there’s still jerks down there just watching and waiting to yell, “Do a ollie!”
9) You don’t have a problem with April, an adult human, being attracted to teenage turtles or vice versa.
Things take a turn for the super creepy about 47 seconds into this clip as Michelangelo actually says, “She’s so hot I can feel my shell tightening.” Now, it’s not up to me to judge you, so as always, time will tell whether you’re a guy who’s pretty into some weird sh*t or if you’re just progressive af.
If all that sounds like you, then stand up and meet your Turtle brethren for a three-fingered high five!
Congratulations! Master Splinter definitely taught you to be a ninja teen (he’s a radical rat!), but he also impressed upon you that Leonardo leads and Donatello does machines (that’s a fact, Jack!). You knew Raphael was cool, but crude (gimme a break!), and that Michelangelo was a party dude (party!).