For those of us born with the ability to grow facial hair, we know it can be as much of a blessing as a curse. Whether you have a mustache that sprouts up like fuzz on a peach, or you grow a beard shaggier than a full moon werewolf, styling is an important part of your look. Choose wisely, bro.
1) The Handlebar Mustache
This statement making ‘stache is usually reserved for olde timey bad guys and bare-knuckled pugilists, but the look has recently experienced a resurgence thanks to fearless hipsters who, I guess… want their faces to look more rideable?
2) The Eat The Bar Mustache
“Sometimes you eat the bar… sometimes the bar eats you.” Also known as the Sam Elliott. One thing’s for sure, and it’s that this cookie broom will help you savor all the flavor that life has to offer. Whether you’re a cattle rancher or the spiritual guide for a hero on the quest of his life.
3) The V for Van Dyke beard
This mustache and soul patch combo is perfect for the revolutionary in all of us. A rarity, as this look is even more pretentious than the person wearing it, somehow.
4) The Billy Mays
The shape can only be described as tight to the jaw and infinitely deep because the dye job is a color not of this earth, but of a wormhole somewhere in the dark reaches of space. Seriously, what shade of “brand new tire rubber” is that?
It looks like reverse clown makeup for the part of your face that frowns.
Like an oil spill on your face. For when you don’t want people to know you get gray beard hair, but don’t care if everyone knows you dye it. I’m as worried about your self image issues as I am impressed with the balls you have to put yourself through this miserable beard.
5) The ZZ Top
It’s named comes from the 80s rock band ZZ Top, but its existence predates facial hair maintenance altogether, and therefore, has been seen throughout history on some of the brightest minds in history, like American poet Walt Whitman and the father of modern science Galileo Galilei.
Worn by all walks of man since the “J-man” himself in biblical times…
The high level of devotion required to rock this style is reason why it’s a favorite among various religious groups. The dedication it takes to maintain this look is as much work as it isn’t, and that’s the real miracle.
It’s also becomes synonymous with those in the magic community.
Essential to folks in the world of make believe, it’s everywhere from Gandalf to Santa Claus.
6) The Gomez Addams
The blackbelt of the mustachioed world. You don’t choose this whistle bristle, it chooses you. The kind of lip-warmer you need when you’re the patriarch of the Addams Family. It suggests a certain style that sets you apart from the herd as a force to be reckoned with. This is a great option if you’re looking to date up, but only if you have the charisma to carry it.
7) The Charlie Chaplain
The only other person to sport this ‘stache really gave it a bad name, so wear it at your own risk. Not everyone is gonna know you’re doing the Chaplain. Yikes.
8) The Salvador Dali
The only thing more surreal than his art was the lack of gravity on his mustache. Art, everybody!
9) The Hollywood.
This look will have everyone asking if the carpets match the curtains, but they’ll be talking about your face, at first.