9 Different Facial Hair Options And What They Say About You

credit: Lucyravenscar (Angry Angel) / Flickr

For those of us born with the ability to grow facial hair, we know it can be as much of a blessing as a curse. Whether you have a mustache that sprouts up like fuzz on a peach, or you grow a beard shaggier than a full moon werewolf, styling is an important part of your look. Choose wisely, bro.

1) The Handlebar Mustache

Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties / NBC

This statement making ‘stache is usually reserved for olde timey bad guys and bare-knuckled pugilists, but the look has recently experienced a resurgence thanks to fearless hipsters who, I guess… want their faces to look more rideable?

2) The Eat The Bar Mustache

The Big Lebowski / Universal Pictures

“Sometimes you eat the bar… sometimes the bar eats you.” Also known as the Sam Elliott. One thing’s for sure, and it’s that this cookie broom will help you savor all the flavor that life has to offer. Whether you’re a cattle rancher or the spiritual guide for a hero on the quest of his life.

3) The V for Van Dyke beard

V For Vendetta / Warner Bros.

This mustache and soul patch combo is perfect for the revolutionary in all of us. A rarity, as this look is even more pretentious than the person wearing it, somehow.

4) The Billy Mays

MrMagician1234 / Youtube

The shape can only be described as tight to the jaw and infinitely deep because the dye job is a color not of this earth, but of a wormhole somewhere in the dark reaches of space. Seriously, what shade of “brand new tire rubber” is that?

It looks like reverse clown makeup for the part of your face that frowns.

The1975VEVO / YouTube

Like an oil spill on your face. For when you don’t want people to know you get gray beard hair, but don’t care if everyone knows you dye it. I’m as worried about your self image issues as I am impressed with the balls you have to put yourself through this miserable beard.

5) The ZZ Top

The Simpsons / FOX

It’s named comes from the 80s rock band ZZ Top, but its existence predates facial hair maintenance altogether, and therefore, has been seen throughout history on some of the brightest minds in history, like American poet Walt Whitman and the father of modern science Galileo Galilei.

Worn by all walks of man since the “J-man” himself in biblical times…

The Passion Of The Christ / Icon Productions

The high level of devotion required to rock this style is reason why it’s a favorite among various religious groups. The dedication it takes to maintain this look is as much work as it isn’t, and that’s the real miracle.

It’s also becomes synonymous with those in the magic community.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring / New Line Cinema

Essential to folks in the world of make believe, it’s everywhere from Gandalf to Santa Claus.

6) The Gomez Addams

The blackbelt of the mustachioed world. You don’t choose this whistle bristle, it chooses you. The kind of lip-warmer you need when you’re the patriarch of the Addams Family. It suggests a certain style that sets you apart from the herd as a force to be reckoned with. This is a great option if you’re looking to date up, but only if you have the charisma to carry it.

7) The Charlie Chaplain

The Great Dictator / Charles Chaplin Productions

The only other person to sport this ‘stache really gave it a bad name, so wear it at your own risk. Not everyone is gonna know you’re doing the Chaplain. Yikes.

8) The Salvador Dali

What’s My Line? / CBS

The only thing more surreal than his art was the lack of gravity on his mustache. Art, everybody!

9) The Hollywood.

This look will have everyone asking if the carpets match the curtains, but they’ll be talking about your face, at first.


READ: 7 Ways Your Big Brother Ruined Your Life And Made You Into The Man You Are Today

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