’69’ And Other Ways Sex Has Done A Number On Me

credit: t.germeau/matt northam/flickr

We can all agree that sex is awesome — until it gets boring. Even if your partner’s the hottest person on Earth, routines develop, and before long you both want to mix things up in the bedroom. The Kama Sutra, a guidebook of sex positions, is a great way to inject spice into your love life, but it’s not for beginners. Exercise caution or you could end up injuring each other… I’ve got the third degree burns to prove it.

One time, a girl suggested we try the “standing 69.” It was fine for a while until…


She dropped me on my head. Thinking back, we could have been doing it wrong… Either way, it’s all fun and games until the Undertaker shows up and starts tombstoning everybody.

Another time, I rubbed a girl down with the porn industry standard amount of lube.

Jennifer Lopez/Vevo

She almost drowned, and I ended up being allergic to it. When she noticed that my hands and penis were swollen, she was terrified — I mean, not so terrified that she wanted me to stop, but as soon as we finished, she had to drive me to the hospital.

Role-playing is a sure way to deliver the goods while they’re still hot. ?


She was a bored housewife craving a pizza with extra salchichón, but was low on cash. I was a morally flexible delivery man with a plan for how we could “work something out.” Standard porn setup — except it was real life. I got grease burns on my chorizo and now suffer PTSD symptoms whenever I see a Papa John’s commercials.

Remember: if at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

With the right partner and the right attitude, you’ll find what works. Wear a helmet, use protection, and keep those EMTs on speed dial. Tell them I sent you and they’ll give a discount on every third concussion. ? ?

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